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traynor_on_a_sugar_high
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Name: Sara
Location: New Jersey, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: Books, Lord of the Rings, Orlando Bloom, Harry Potter, talking (that totally counts), reading, the Shopaholic books, shopping in general, traveling, hanging out with my friends, physics, the Yankees, the Gossip Girl books, sleeping :), watching good movies and listening to good music, Yearbook, computers, the beach, rum and coke, maragaritas, knowledge (i know... i'm a dork), Europe, Rooney, Phantom Planet, Jason Mraz, OKGo, THE BEATLES, Led Zeppelin, John Lennon, Geroge Harrison, Alice in Chains, The Wallflowers, Simon and Garfunkel, Oasis, the song "American Pie", and a million other songs and groups that would take all day to name, and just being me :)
Expertise: Losing my mind... and control of my mouth
Occupation: Student
Industry: Engineering
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  chatygirl
Member Since:
4/21/2004
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| I forgot about my xanga for all of 2009 it seems. I think it served its purpose in my younger years and now it's more a record of how far I've come since I was 16 or 17 when I started this thing. And let's face it, Facebook lets us get way too much information about each other now that Xanga is a bit outdated. Altho maybe one day I'll be in a blogging kick again. Until then, here is my end of the year survey, for the sixth time. It's gone through the end of high school and my entire career in college. Wow.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
I graduated from Cornell with a Bachelor's and a Master's degree in Mechanical Engineering, I not only went to California but I LIVED there for the entire summer, I worked at a legit aerospace company in Silicon Valley, I put my feet in the Pacific Ocean, I GOT A JOB OFFER! (in which I got a darn good salary too), I got an A+ in a class that wasn't a 2 credit "If you can't get an A+ there is something wrong with you" class, I saw the Grand Canyon among other things in Arizona, and I saw Coldplay in concert in Cali!! 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions?
I don't think I made any last year, but this year I am going to make a concerted effort to learn to cook! And not just pasta, but real food.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my grandma. Not a fun week before graduation.
5. What countries did you visit?
No new countries, but I booked a cruise that takes me to Honduras, Belize, and Mexico for March! I also visited Arizona and California for the first time.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Last year I asked for a job offer and a summer internship as well, and to enjoy my final semester with my friends at Cornell. I definitely came through on all of that. This year, I really want to enjoy my new job in Virginia, with new friends and places to explore, but I really want to stay in touch with all my amazing friends from Cornell. I think I can do it all, and maybe I'll find a nice guy in Virginia with an equally awesome job (ehh hem, and salary) as me... lol.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Graduation week in May (for a variety of good and terrible reasons), my entire summer in California that I'll never forget, my Spring Break trip to Arizona, my graduation in December, Monday of Fall break when Orbital Sciences called to offer me a job, Homecoming Weekend at Cornell, various occasions with awesome friends in NYC, the day I got the flu before thanksgiving break... haha
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
GETTING A JOB! And graduating twice with two semesters of awesome grades in 2009.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Another year where I haven't done anything to completely screw things up for myself. WOW. Honestly, 2009 was a year when the cosmos didn't hate me and everything really seemed to go right.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Stupid flu the day of my major FEA prelim and the day before I was going to leave for thanksgiving break. At least they let me come to Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, and I was definitely allergic to something in California...
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPod touch, my new GPS, and my AMAZING REAL Coach purse! No more Chinatown knockoffs for me!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I ADORE my Cornell friends! And my California people made this summer the best one yet. And the fact that I've been able to stay really close to my graduated friends just shows how much they mean to me.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
It is possible that I've gone a year without hating anyone new at the end of it? Altho the state of my bathroom from the guys that lived on my floor this year in my house was appalling... lol
14. Where did most of your money go?
Living expenses during this past semester, since I was jobless for the first time since I was 17. It was nice being able to focus on school tho. I spent most of my money on food and less so on drink  I also bought a few big electronic items, but I split the cost with giftcards.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
CALIFORNIA! And my job offer in Virginia! I nearly died when I heard I had gotten both. Despite the economy, I'm apparently awesome enough that people will hire me despite that.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus (LOLLLL), and All the Right Moves by One Republic that Joey played over and over and over and over again! And music from Glee!!! Which is definitely my favorite show of 2009. Defying Gravity from Wicked, since I finally saw it! Fireflies from Owl City (my new favorite band), and All that Jazz... hehe.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Quite happier!
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner.... go me!
c) richer or poorer? Richer... yay for having a summer job that pays well, and 2010 will be my richest year yet!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hmm... I didn't get to do any volunteer work this past semester because of the demands of grad school. I wish I had more time for that. But that's the only major thing I can think of.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Why do I always say drink less in this question? I think I was ok this year... 99% of the time. I think I wish I was scared of everything less. I'm really making an effort now.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I was at my aunt's house with one side of the family, and then Granny's house with all my younger cousins on the other side. Nothing exciting, it's what we do every year.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Not really. Altho I've added a few new friends that I adore and love.
22. How many one-night stands?
I wasn't too bad this year.... :)
23. What was your favorite TV program?
GLEE!!!! Good lordy I love Glee. And Big Bang Theory. I also have an obsession now with the Food Network... hehe
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hmmm... I honestly don't think so... wow. That's DEFINITELY a new one.
25. What was the best book you read?
It's sad that I can't remember what books I read in 2009. The new Dan Brown book wasn't great. Oh! The Other Boleyn Girl! I read that and it was fabulous!
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Owl City is my new favorite band. Plus I have entirely too many songs from Glee.
27. What did you want and get?
A JOB! I know, I can't stop being giddy about it. And I got an awesome summer internship too. And I got a 3.91 GPA in my Masters program. Basically this year was all about me finally working hard and getting what I want for a change.
28. What did you want and not get?
Hmmm... is it too cliche to say boyfriend? haha... oh well. That's about the only thing I can find to complain about.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
(500) Days of Summer... such a fabulous movie. Its now on my list of favorites.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 23... good lord I'm getting old. I spent the afternoon having lunch with Joey, and then I honestly went to office hours for FEA in the evening and did work. I did go out that weekend and celebrate tho. It definitely shows that I'm getting old since it was so low-key.
31.What was one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Last year I said less stress over finding a job. No worries about that this year. Maybe having all my Cornell friends with me through the fall semester too, but I still had an amazing time with my friends that were still at Cornell. I can't really think of much better.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
I'm getting more and more preppy... hehe. I love my jeans and a nice top and sneakers. I also love sundresses in the warm weather, especially in Cali. I still wear a lot of cable knit sweaters and polos tho... but I've added alot of casual t-shirts and such to my collection too.
33. What kept you sane?
Knowing how to manage my workload and the stress. I actually was ahead of my assignments most of the semester so I wasn't stresed by leaving things to the last minute. Thank goodness that I'm OCD about such things.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Not entirely sure... Edward Cullen!! Hahahahah... helllll no. I can't really think of one... that's just sad.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Now that Obama is in office, I can sleep better at night. Honestly, the issue over NASA funding and where the future of the space program is going had me most stirred.
36. Who did you miss?
I miss my graduated friends who weren't at Cornell in the fall. But now I'm just going to be missing everyone since I'm not even at Cornell anymore! And I miss my grandma too.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
My California friends!!! And my new Cornell friends from this semester. I heart everyone!
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Last year I learned how valuable the friends that you surround yourself are. This year was definitely a reflection of that change in keeping people who are good for me and staying away from people who are bad for me. My major lesson this year though is that networking is ESSENTIAL if you ever want to find a job. I have been networking for several years with various companies and it finally paid off for both summer and my full time job. And hopefully my networking can help other people who are still looking.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!" ~ Wicked the Musical "I miss all the little things. I never thought that they'd mean everything to me." ~ Lifehouse "California here we come, right back where we started from." ~ Phantom Planet "I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because everything is never as it seems
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams"
~ Owl City | | |
| I almost forgot about this, I haven't written in my Xanga since February, generally because I don't write in it unless I'm having a tough time or I'm extremely pissed off or something. For once, 2008 has been the calmest year I've had in a loooooong time. I've definitely grown up, as my final post in Feb. articulates. I've been working towards graduation, a job, and especially all my activities at school. I'm finally living in an apartment that is calm and drama-free, no cokeheads, chronic liars, or psychos who have severe OCD issues like last year. 2008 was just a much needed deviation from my usual terrible years from before. Basically, i'm an adult and I quite like it.
Here goes Survey #5... it's scary to think that next year I'll have graduated (twice) and will hopefully be employed in the aerospace industry...
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
I'm finally a legit engineer! I had my summer internship at Ithaco Space Systems, which meant I spent my first summer in Ithaca. That was amazing fun hanging out with Lauren and the relocated State. St guys, lots of beer pong in a field, eating pancakes on Sunday mornings... and the invention of Dragons! I also made Dean's list for the first time in the Spring and for the second time in the Fall. And I got accepted to grad school! I will be starting my Masters of Engineering this Spring and graduating twice in 2009. I also finally live in a drama-free apartment with Jill and Jaime and its wonderful. I joined the CUSatellite project team this semester, so I've spent lots of my free time writing Flight Code for a satellite that Cornell is launching in Dec. 2009. That was definitely a big leap, and its continuing this year. I also had my dream job interviews with the Applied Physics Lab and the Jet Propulsion Lab... no job offers yet, but I don't graduate for a year anyway, I have time. My other big one was my chaotic New Year's excursion into NYC and finally getting to go to Ithaca bars... which now is a weekly occurance... hehe
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions?
I never have and still never will do resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No... and I'm hoping it stays that way
5. What countries did you visit?
For the second year in a row, I didn't leave the country.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Last year I asked for peace and quiet, and an overall improvement in my life choices. I think I've accomplished that. Ideally, in 2009 I'd like a job offer and I still need a summer internship as well. I'd also just like to enjoy my final semester with my friends at Cornell. 2008 was an interesting mix in terms of guys... not much going on since May. Maybe that'll change once I start grad classes and there's a whole new bunch of people I haven't met yet...
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Summer 2008 definitely stands out as one of the best summers ever. As for other dates, 2008 seems uneventful compared to the mess of 2007. Slope Day was fun, CMUNC was a blast as usual (I love running my own committee with the gavel... hehe). I'm just happy 2008 wasn't a disaster like last year, that's good enough.
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Finally getting my act together with school... Dean's list, getting into grad school, getting a summer internship, job interviews, etc. I'm finally not wasting my time at Cornell anymore, I'm making the most of it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I can't really pinpoint anything, I've straightened myself out from last year, I haven't done anything illegal that I can recall... lol. I've got my M.Eng. figured out, and my undergrad is effectively done. I was bummed not to get onto the new satellite project team, but I've come to terms with it. I really don't regret anything I've done this year... that's a new one.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I've been fairly illness and injury free this year, aside from the usual cold or allergies... or alcohol-induced sickness... lol.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I love my little iPod Shuffle... but my laptop is definitely the best thing I've ever bought myself. It took most of what was left of my summer earnings, but it was worth it. I love this thing...
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Cornell friends, Lauren, Jill, and Jaime especially. Finally people who don't cause drama every 10 seconds... lol. And I think my own behavior has, I've gotten things straighened out and I happy about it.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
For once, I'm not saying myself! I was good this year... I don't know who's really pissed me off this year. My usual guy drama is always annoying, but I don't have control over who other people date.
14. Where did most of your money go?
My laptop and living in Ithaca this summer pretty much zapped all that I earned this summer. I also buy alot of groceries and have to pay for electric and cable and stuff... that's pretty much where my paycheck goes every week.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting onto a Cornell project team, getting into Grad school, and staying in Ithaca this summer was awesome.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Viva La Vida by Coldplay is probably my most notable one, I can't get enough of that song. Also I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2, it reminds me that I'm still moving forward in life and I can't settle with what I have. Carry on My Wayward Son by Kansas reminds me of summer fun with Lauren, and Disturbia by Rihanna does too... lots of bar excursions!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Most definitely happier... I haven't been this content in a loooong time.
b) thinner or fatter? Not sure, probably fatter. I need to eat better...
c) richer or poorer? Richer, I've managed to save up some money lately, and I made quite a bit this summer even though that is all gone.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I'm content with my academic performance for once, Dean's list twice! I've also gotten more sleep than usual, so that's an improvement. I can always sleep more tho... I probably should have put more effort into CUSat... that I'd say is my one thing I should have done better.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Probably drinking, especially at the bars... it's expensive! Spending money in general... I go through paychecks pretty fast.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I was at my aunt's house with one side of the family, and then Granny's house with all my younger cousins on the other side. Pretty uneventful really...
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Not particularly, I've come to accept the way my relationship with a certain someone is going to be and its not dating. I'm just hoping that grad school brings some new opportunities, or my summer internship.
22. How many one-night stands?
Ummm... 4-ish... :D
23. What was your favorite TV program?
I've been watching alot of Gossip Girl, but I have my other favorites like Jon and Kate Plus 8, Top Chef, Top Model, The Office, etc. New shows for this year is The Big Bang Theory, the best nerd show on TV... and How I Met Your Mother is pretty awesome too.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I've definitely realized that I hate Sarah and Mirabella... stupid whores... screw disappointment like I said last year. I hate them.
25. What was the best book you read?
I read Lolita during the summer, and that book was amazing. I also read Wonderful Tonight, The Autobiography of Pattie Boyd (George Harrison's wife). I read Roving Mars by Prof. Squyres... hehe...
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I rediscovered my love of British U2-inspired rock... bands like Coldplay, Keane, Snow Patrol, and of course U2 themselves. But I also realize that Rihanna is amazing, and Britney Spears made quite a comeback with Womanizer.
27. What did you want and get?
I got my laptop, had to buy it, but I got it. I also wanted a summer internship and got that. And I got into grad school... things have worked out well this year.
28. What did you want and not get?
Last year I said "I want a calm semester. I'm starting to think that will never happen." Well, I think I've effectively accomplished that, especially this semester. I really wanted to get on Violet, the new satellite project team but that didn't work out. I have a backup tho.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I saw 21, that was a really good movie. I finally saw a James Bond movie! Ironman was surprisingly amazing, even though I don't really like comic book movies. I still love Across The Universe, last year's favorite movie.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22, or as I prefer to say I turned 21 again... it was a blast having delicious cake with friends then hitting the bars when finally people could join me because I wasn't the only one who was 21! And then a birthday party on the Saturday that wasn't quite as I planned, but still fun.
31.What was one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not sure... I'm content with this year. I had considerably less drama, which was last year's wish. Less stress over the economy and getting a job would be nice.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Comfortable and preppy... jeans and a polo sweater or a rugby shirt is my standard outfit. In warmer weather, tank tops and skirts are always good. My style hasn't changed much...
33. What kept you sane?
Keeping focused on my goals... I knew what I needed to do this year and I got it done.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Not sure... Jim Sturgess might win again this year since he was in 21 and was fabulous. I also love the Gossip Girl cast.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Last year I said I wanted Obama to get the nomination. Well, I went head over heels nuts about the Presidential Election and thank god Obama won! 2009 looks alot more promising now that the Republicans have crashed and burned and Bush is gone for good! I've never been so invested in an election, and it paid off.
36. Who did you miss?
I don't know... I miss Cornell people when I'm home and Home people when I'm at school.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
CUSat people are pretty awesome, Cici and other Model UN people are fun, and lots of State. St guys filled my Spring semester and my summer.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
It is possible to be happy. Truly happy and content. I didn't think it would ever be possible, and I did it all by myself. No drugs or drinking, no professional help... just me sorting out my priorities. I just really needed to cut loose people who were ruining their own lives, and hang out with people who were good for me. It really does matter what kind of company you keep... at least for me it's made a huge difference.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "And we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
~John Lennon
"It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all."
~Elphaba, "Son of a Witch"
"When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
When everybody's out to get you
Don't let it drag you down
Cuz if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
Well, I'll be counting up my demons
Hoping that everything's not lost"
~"Everything's Not Lost" by Coldplay
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| I figured that growing up was a long drawn out process that would eventually result in my being classified as a mature adult. Its a level that some people never really reach entirely. Maybe its a state some people don't want to reach. While I'm all for acting like a kid every now and then (note my addiction to Disney music and movies), I assumed it would happen eventually.
I feel like I've gone from complete child to rational, mature adult in about 2 months. And its scary as hell.
What began in September with some stupid decisions and extremely wrong choice of company (again more people who need to grow up), has now evolved into realizing that its time to grow up myself. The first 2 1/2 years of college have been like being in NeverNeverland with Peter Pan... only with alcohol and frat parties. I guess Neverland had pirates and Lost Boys, but still. I put off thinking about where I was going and focused on having fun and getting through my classes but never really getting much out of them. My methods of dealing with problems shifted quite a bit from high school, where I think that I acted more maturely than college. Instead of working harder to fix a problem and putting aside whatever I was feeling, I let feeling crappy get the best of me and I'd indulge my bad habits in dealing with it. Once I stepped back from the entire situation, I realized what a waste I had made of my time here so far. Opting to go to parties instead of studying, or thinking that the solution to my problems lie in what I did at said parties. I basically lost my purpose, I didn't even know why I was here, why I wanted to major in MechE when I didn't even like it. I now admit that was me being lazy. Yup, completely lazy.
Somehow this shift has occurred in the past few months, from not thinking at all to thinking as clearly as I have in a very long time. I've since become "the Rational One", the person friends ask about how to fix their own lives, who they go to when issues arise. I honestly don't feel like I'm any better equipped to deal with all of this, but somehow what I say people seem to take as wise or something. It sort of stuns me that screwed up me could be imparting advice on others. I've always been a rational person, but I've let it slip lately. I definitely made some bad decisions, but I guess its part of the learning process. And I've been on a severely steep learning curve this year. It really only took one weekend of clarity to completely shift my attitude, and shift around my social circle.
Now that I've sorted out some of the issues that have been bothering me lately, i.e. being a doormat, which I've come to deal with and things have worked out. For one thing, my main source of being a doormat is currently being dealt with, mainly by not really talking to them. But it had to be done. Its been going on too long now and this time its finally through my head to move past it. Maybe I've become a little too cautious with life in general, taking risks is something that I don't do well at all. New Years Eve was ridiculous for me, hopping a train to NYC at 10pm on New Years to go to Times Square. I admit I freaked out the whole way there, and part of the way back, but good freaking lord did that convince me to start this year different. So I don't do New Years Resolutions, partly because I believe that people don't ever really change, and a calendar flip isn't going to do anything about that. The other part is that I don't think that its that simple. To just declare that you are going to change and then to do it. Its deeper than that, something has to happen. Some chemical reactions need a catalyst and changing a person's fundamental structure of being is one of them.
I've had a few severe "chemical reactions" this year, the first being my DKE incident and subsequent fallout, and the second being New Years Eve I think. At the time I just thought it was good fun, but it made me realize that sitting at home watching life happen (or in my case the ball dropping in Times Square) wasn't going to get me anywhere. Life is going nowhere when I don't take risks. I've basically been going nowhere lately. For the past 2 years, I've been sitting on the couch watching the ball drop instead of being there and living it. I came into Cornell with all these huge dreams about working for NASA and being a part of the space program and finally living out my dream. It was all here in front of me for the taking. I just had to work at it. And then it got hard and I gave up, entirely too easily. It was easier to party on the weekends and coast through my classes than put in the hard effort to get the grades I knew I could. I mean, there are still classes that are hard for me no matter what I do, like Physics, but there are other ones I know I can do well in. Part of it was lack of interest (hello, me wiring a circuit? No.) and the other part was laziness. And then I started taking MAE 306: Spacecraft Engineering, and it all fell into place again. It reminded me that I can take something I'm fascinated by (spacecraft and astronomy) and I have the tools in front of me to make a career out of it. And I've been completely blowing it. I've been going with what is comfortable and safe, sitting on my couch, instead of pushing that extra bit and going for what I really wanted.
So, engineering management was a detour. It was my moment of weakness thinking that I'm not really cut out for doing anything harder. But I think I just might be. So now I'm going to grad school, that was a big switch in my former thinking, where I was just planning on finding a job. And not grad school in Engineering Management. I'm going for Aerospace Engineering. I'm sure I'll be one of like, 2 girls, and I'll be doing stuff that is alot harder than I am now. But look what I get out of it. I could end up building satellites, or working on some new robotic spacecraft, or who knows what else. Something spectacular that sitting on the couch would never get me. My resume now could easily land me a job doing project management, with Hensel Phelps for example (still waiting on my internship offer), but putting in that extra effort to start grad school early and get my Aerospace Engineering Masters, I'd be in the Times Square of the engineering world. This is my one shot to get there, my New Year's Eve 10:13pm train that I have to catch or I'm stuck on the platform wishing that I could have run (or drove in our case) faster.
Its kind of refreshing to finally have that moment of clarity, finally for the first time since I got to Cornell, my life plan is falling back into place. I knew that eventually I'd have to grow up, but I've gone from irresponsible teenager to mature adult in only a few months. I guess it was time. I've got summer internship prospects to deal with (no more typing at a desk and making phone calls all day), and I've got a semester that I need to do well in so I can do the Early Admit grad program. It all came together so fast, but now that things are back in place I feel alot better. I got rid of the people and habits that were making me fall apart, and I've embraced the ones that keep me moving forward. I still go out and have my fun, I am a college student after all, but in the end I realize what needs to be done.
To continue with the Peter Pan analogy, I basically just needed to take that leap to see if I'd be able to fly. Maybe I needed a little pixie dust to do it. I can still be a kid when I want to, but something has fundamentally changed in the way I think, and its a good feeling to be able to move forward now without worrying about slipping back into that. Its also nice to know that all those years of dreaming of working for NASA or building spacecraft will actually be able to happen. Now I've got the right attitude, I just need to pull through with my classes and keep doing my activities and see where it takes me. Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning...
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| I really just have one question on my mind right now.
Why the hell do people think they can walk all over me?
Do you really think that eventually I won't stand up for myself? Or that I won't bother standing up for myself at all? I take way too much crap from people and I have no reason to. Guys in particular. Trust me, I'm a tough girl. I'm sick of people getting away with it. I can't handle being rejected over and over again, or having people assume that I'll do what they want all the time. Or that its all about themselves. NO ITS FUCKING NOT. You have absolutely no right to treat me like a doormat. I'm not going to do what you want because you tell me to. Nor am I going to let anyone treat me like crap and get away with it anymore. First off, stop acting like completely assholes. I think its a natural male gene to be an asshole, but I'm not going to take it anymore. And what's worse if is I consider you a friend, even a good friend at that. In the past I've taken whatever gets thrown at me and I've dealt with it. But I've never done anything to stop it from happening. You think I like being treated like this? No. I'm a fucking female mechanical engineer, I'm smarter than 99.9% of the men on this planet, women too. Mostly since a majority live in 3rd world countries and aren't at an Ivy League School, but still. I'm not stupid and I'm not going to sit back and let it happen anymore. There is no reason I should have to.
People wonder why I don't trust anyone. THIS IS WHY! I know that in the end, you're most likely to use me, drop me for no reason, or treat me like crap. Why should I believe any different when that's all that happened in the past. (Sidenote: Mounties for some reason don't follow this trend and thank the universe for that. Ignore the ranting) Elementary school I should have known not to trust anyone. I don't think i ever really did, my teachers especially. Now i've gotten to college and people that I thought that I was close with, 2 people that i would consider some of my best friends, are now people that I want nothing to do with ever again. I can honestly say that I hope I never speak to either of them again. Living with them during the time after all the crap happened was bad enough. Don't try to act nice to me, don't try to be my friend and think we can keep going. Its done and I don't care. I DON'T CARE ONE BIT. Keep ruining your lives because I'm done letting you ruin mine. When you're back on campus, you don't exist. Along with your frat boy friends. Its pathetic how you need them to validate your self-worth (which is nothing and with good reason).
And as for my current situation, how people can be caring and nice and then suddenly turn around and try and drop me like they don't care? Not happening. I know that in the past I've just let it happen, I've dealt with it, forgiven it, and continued on like it didn't happen. Not anymore. Nor am I going to let it go like that. I honestly don't want it to go anywhere, just get over whatever shit you have and go back to the way things were before. Minus the fact that I'm a doormat. Because that's over. Or better yet... ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!!!! Why people feel like they need to hide things from me is beyond me. If people told me what's actually going through their minds, I'd be alot happier because then I can deal with it. I don't care if its what I don't want to hear. Do me the favor of telling me the truth!
I really can't take it anymore. The rental place is still giving me crap about returning my deposit on the apartment. In retrospect, why I ever thought of living with those two disasters of a human being is beyond me, but whatever. Now I want my fucking money. And this guy thinks that I'll just go away, deal with losing $600 of my own money as payment for him to rent an apartment 8 months before the lease starts and with 4 other deposits on it. NOT HAPPENING! Obviously a lawsuit is easier than hiring a hit man, but if he thinks i'm going to go away, I'm not. I'm getting my money. And if some legal issue prevents that from happening, I'm getting compensated from Sarah and Mirabella, who mutually decided not to live with us and then went and signed another apartment without even telling us. I know you need that money for cocaine or whatever you're stuffing up your nose now, but i'm getting it and I don't care how you get it. There is no reason for me to absorb the entire loss when I'm the one dealing with it because I happen to be the person with money in my bank account at the time. Stop shopping at Victoria Secret or buying drugs and maybe you would too. I fucking hate Collegetown landlords. WE'RE NOT ALL RICH LITTLE SNOBS WITH TRUSTFUNDS!!! I paid for that deposit with money I spent 2 weeks earning over the summer. Not from some rich dead relative or daddy's wallet.
I think that basically covers all my grievances for the time being. I'm so incredibly angry right now that I can't even handle it. I'm passed the being depressed stage of whatever has been going on since September. I'm now in the pissed off to the point of losing it stage. I can handle being sad, something cheers me up and I feel better. Being pissed off like this is a new one. I don't know how to deal with it. Ideally, I'd like to wipe all the people causing problems off the face of the earth, but lacking nuclear weapons that's not an option. Or a hitman for selective eradication. It helps that a few are in other countries and I can avoid seeing them, but it still doesn't resolve anything. I feel like I shouldn't be this angry, but after that list that I just came up with, maybe I should be. All the rage that I should have felt over the years is bubbling right below the surface and I feel like the next person to piss me off is getting the full effect of it. So maybe that's a warning to tread lightly. But I really don't know what to do. I never know what to do. Maybe I do, and its starting with not taking crap from anyone.
Now that I've gotten all this out, I'm going to return to my what seems like usual routine of thinking about all my shit while trying to sleep and crying until I pass out. It generally results in an incredibly unfulfilling night's sleep and waking up feeling worse. But what else is there to do?
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| I thought a new semester would mean that I could start fresh. All my problems from last semester would be gone and I could focus on getting my shit together again. I'm starting to realize its not that simple...
Last semester was probably the most screwed up that I've ever been. I know exactly who to thank for it all, although ultimately I make my own decisions. Nothing was ever resolved and I realize how much anger and resentment I still have towards the people who were causing my drama last semester. I think about one person in particular and it makes me want to scream every time. The fact that I would get so low emotionally that I would go along with what they wanted makes me sick. I've had issues in the past with being unhappy, but it was never ever to the point where I couldn't handle it on my own (in a non-dangerous way). Usually it was just a funk and I would take care of the problem and move on. Usually it was a class that was causing it, or a friend from school. This time, it was everything crumbling at once.
I've come to realize how much one can be affected by the people they surround themselves with. When I was around people who weren't doing what was best for themselves, I started slipping into it to. There's only so much one can ignore when the people they see every day are depressed with eating disorders and drug/drinking problems and talking about what their medication dosage they're on or when was the last time they thought about jumping in the gorge. It all becomes too much for a person to handle. And then because they don't treat themselves properly, I end up getting treated like complete crap. There is absolutely nothing worse in the world than having someone treat you with no respect whatsoever. And I let him. In the end, it took someone else to stand up to him and it was probably the push I needed to get myself out of what had been going on for the month of September. My initial reaction was shock and anger, but now I look back and I wish I had been the one dumping the beer the pretentious asshole. And of course the other two are so wrapped up in themselves and their misery to notice how I was being treated before that. "Oh, he doesn't really mean it, he's drunk." That is absolutely no excuse. When you build your self esteem on the acceptance of a bunch of frat boys, it says something about yourself.
After about 2 months, we all went our separate ways and nothing was ever resolved. I don't think i want it to be. Distance is probably the best solution and if I don't see them again, or hang out with them anymore upon their return, I'm not sorry at all. The crappy part is that all three people that I have issues with will eventually be back. Hopefully by next year I'll have gotten everything straightened out so I can handle it. Hearing him in my apartment sent me into a panic attack last semester, I need to get over it. Almost as much as I want to get over it, is the desire to finally tell them everything thats on my mind. I need to vent, to scream at them, make them realize how fucked up they are. No one wants to be friends with people like that, and hopefully its something they realize. No amount of drugs or tequila or god knows what else they were doing can fix that.
Its not my heart that is missing. That's probably the problem. Its my head that went missing. Common sense was never my strong point, but I just need to stop and think about everything rationally and stop fixating on last semester's crap. And on top of all that, I'm still stuck on the same person I have been for the past year and a half. And it kills me to think that it will never happen the way I want it to. Move along... its harder than I thought. I don't know why i keep torturing myself.
For someone who is so outspoken, I have a habit of not saying the things that really need to be said to people. Telling someone how I really feel is probably the hardest thing for me. I don't think anyone (even my closest friends), know how I feel about this stuff. Lauren is probably the one who knows the most. Even then, I don't tell people most of the stuff that bothers me when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and the crap is swirling around in my brain. I look so put together to other people, I don't know how I do it really. Somehow I got picked as a "model Cornell student" to be featured in the Cornell Viewbook that goes out to high school seniors this spring. If I'm a typical student here, then this campus is alot more screwed up than people think. No one would guess what I deal with, and I guess its better that way. I used to try and convince myself that I was a robot. I know it sounds completely stupid, but it has reason behind it. If I was a robot, I could just command myself not to think or feel something, and it would go away. I could hide my emotion or problems, erase the memory, empty the recycling bin... something to make whatever I was dealing with disappear. I hate showing emotion to other people. HATE IT. Like 2 people have seen me cry I think, minus the parentals. Until this year, that wasn't something that I did at all. Maybe once every few years. I'd just bottle up whatever I was feeling and that was it. But, sadly I'm human and I still hate to show it. I've gotten better, but still, I don't like it. I don't know if I'd rather go back to being my robotic self, I guess I've got to address my issues at some point.
Bottom line is that I need to stop letting people walk all over me. Its starting to give me a cynical view of the world. I don't trust anyone, because experience tells me that I'm going to get hurt in the end. Excluding family, there are 5 people that I trust 100%. I'm suspicious of everyone else basically. I have a bad track record with people that I get close to, especially friends. I get stepped on and screwed over in the end. Every time. It makes me think I'm better off not trusting people in the first place, which I what I basically have been doing for a while now. It doesn't mean that I'm not good friends with people now. I have great friends, but I can tell when certain people aren't trustworthy, and unfortunately all that came about last semester with people I thought I could trust. Robot, island, cynical... whatever I am... its all self preservation. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely happy with my current situation. Its getting better, but its going to take alot more to get it going. Starting with calling up that asshole at C-Town Rentals and getting my $600 deposit back. People aren't allowed to walk all over me. I can't really take any more of it. Nor should I have to.
"When Did Your Heart Go Missing?" is a song from the new Rooney album. What I get out of the song is that some people are heartless and leave you hanging in the end. Time to get them out of my life entirely.
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